Chapter 11: Asking For Help

After the purpose, the essential thing in life is finding the right people to help you. I desire to have them instead of just taking what I was given once I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and DID. From the beginning, I used to depend on friends and family for the considerable support I need then I felt different. It reached a point when I felt that my needs regarding these illnesses were too big for the people in my life to handle. I realized I had the power to choose the people I felt would fit my needs. I can educate myself on what works for me and then go out and find the people to help me create and maintain stability. People who follow directing directives will be better positioned to overcome challenges. The first step of the process is deciding on the qualities I want people to possess and understand. I want someone who listens with keenness. I want someone who understands my mental illnesses and who understands my symptoms. I need nonjudgmental care that does not make them believe it was my fault.

I want someone who offers specific tips I can use to stay stable and one who is highly tolerant. Someone who tells it like it is. I need someone who will not lie to me even when it hurts, a compassionate person who offers concrete suggestions. Someone I can cry with. I have been a patient of Dr. Melody London for five years. She is an excellent and compassionate psychologist who specializes in DID. She always sees past me and through all my alters and calls me out of it. I laugh at this because she knows me so well. I'm so good at pretending, but Dr. London sees right through me. 

Luckily, my friend, Linda Vo, referred me to an excellent psychiatrist to prescribe and monitor my medications. Dr. Tammy Saah is so modern and very up-to-date in her treatment. I have another very compassionate doctor who is more into constructive criticism, tells it like it is, and keeps current on the latest medications. I also trust my long-time primary-care physician with my care. Dr. Nicole Vecchi was ground zero. She has been my doctor for over ten years and knows my medical history. She understands me from a personal level and is always patient with me. She was the one who recommended I take a medical leave of absence from my corporate job.

Still, I refused, which was my undoing. These qualities broaden my expectations, so I can include more people on my healthcare team instead of relying exclusively on one doctor and my friends and family. I am taking charge of bipolar disorder and DID and have learned to manage the illness on my terms. It would be best if you asked many questions. Suppose your prospective or current doctor gets defensive about these questions or brushes them away as unimportant. In that case, this is a sign you cannot ignore. Your doctor needs to be someone you can talk with easily. You must have a doctor you like and respect--someone compassionate and understanding. If you are scared or intimidated by this person, it can affect the outcome of your treatment. It was a challenge for me to be open and ready to accept the care offered by my doctors while being prepared to stick up for what I needed. I had to teach myself how to tell them what I needed. They need specific guidance and to know what I am experiencing so that I can get the help I need. My doctors have been in my life for years. They are there when I am manic, depressed, psychotic, anxious, obsessive, suicidal, or physically sick.

On that note, I want to tell my friends that it's completely normal and acceptable if you don't want to be one of the people I ask for help. This is the time, to be honest. As a friend, you may want to be the person who enjoys time with me instead of always helping me get better. Or you may want to play a more active role in my treatment, or maybe not. However, having more time or energy to consider what you are experiencing would be best. Please let me know. You have a life and the right to be true to yourself. I will understand. I know you will always be willing to help. That's why writing my book is an excellent way to open the topic so I can talk about it as an open book, and you can read it whenever it's a good time, then later we can talk. I want you to know that what truly matters is that you don't feel forced to do something that makes you sad or frustrated. Now that I am becoming more aware of what I need from my friends and family, I can get more specific and teach you precisely what you can do if I am sick. And this brings us to hear what Lola and Luna say about an experience. 

One day, I started to update my resume. I can get it back in tip-top shape for my new job search. I've been looking for a new job posting my resume on job sites. I purposefully reached out and talked to people I thought was a great way to reconnect my network and gain valuable information and advice. It made me feel more productive and happy. Then in an instant, I received a letter from Social Security Administration regarding my disability claim. I have been on disability for six years. The redetermination claim has been sent to Disability Determination Service Division for medical development and evaluation. My psychiatrist and psychologist both agreed that I am not ready to go back to work and need to stay on disability for additional three years. This shattered the dreams of my plans for myself and my family. My medical records were submitted, and SSA will make the redetermination. In the end, my disability claim got approved. I was so upset. After all wanted to return to work because I'm good at it, and staying home as a CEO mom is not cutting it for me. Still, eventually, I got over it and gave it to God. He knows what is best for me.

I got the medication injection from my psychiatrist. I started to sleep better because I felt more sleepy than usual and was happy for a short period. Then I couldn't sleep for two days. Still, this time I felt different because I felt great when I didn't sleep. Instead, I felt terrible, confused, and disoriented, wondering what was happening. So, I rode out the extreme high until I crashed for 24 hours. I woke up, and I was depressed, but again this time, the extreme low was different. I cannot, by willpower alone, get a handle on my emotions, but that day I got out of bed, and I didn't need to remind myself I was unwell. I need time to get my mind back in order, and I must trust in God.

I know people think I cannot control myself most of the time. I understand that is how I appear to them. Would they ask me why I couldn't control my white blood cells if I had leukemia? Bipolar disorder is a physical illness affecting my brain chemistry and emotions. DID is a disorder my mind created into separate alters of me to deal with different traumas and highly stressful situations. Lord, if people accept that, they can understand why I have trouble. I know my behavior is often weird. This behavior is a symptom for most people with the illness. I'm working on it. Jesus, I pray doctors, including friends and family, can help me get more stable. The weird behavior will get better as well. Thank you, Jesus, for healing my mind, body, and spirit.