Chapter 14: What is My Purpose in Life

The purpose is what brings out the beauty of life. Finding a purpose in life is one of the most beautiful encounters that one can have. Different people have different experiences with finding their purpose. However, there are different seasons through which meaning is achieved in life. When one finds their purpose in life, everything changes, and one starts pursuing it. It brings a convincing passion that defines a trajectory and sets the pace for performance. Since I discovered my purpose, life has never been the same again. Knowing that I was destined for bigger things, more responsibilities were placed on my shoulders. Therefore, I became more sensitive to other people's needs and held them too close to my heart. I now understand that some people are going through traumatic experiences and are unsure how to think about them. I take it as a responsibility to ensure that these people are inspired and made to believe in the unlimited Grace of God. My purpose is to help my children, my husband, my mom, and my mother-in-law and help heal sick people. This purpose makes me feel stronger and more determined. I must work harder to be well for them. 

I think the most demanding job for me right now is being a stay-at-home mom with bipolar disorder. Every day I struggle to manage my condition while caring for my family. Our family always has much to say concerning my sickness. A lot about why I cry — because I am sick — and how I take medicine, but the medication doesn't always work all the way, so sometimes there are tears. And that tears are okay and harmless. Then I will think of my kids. They will snap me back from the brink. I hide the worst parts of my bipolar downs from my kids. I hold it together by sheer will until my husband gets home.

"The medicine keeps Mama from getting sick," my husband will explain. That is how we frame it. I am sick. Mama is not crazy. Mama is not bad, wrong, or overly emotional. Mama might cry sometimes, but it happens, and she can't help it. God, it can be challenging, all alone with four kids and a monster roaring in my head. But most days, I'm fine. My manic highs often look like enthusiasm. I have learned to keep my low moments away from people because I don't want them to be known. My kids see them. God bless them. But they have learned to cope. I hate that more than anything. I hate that my children had to cope and adjust. But they have learned. While it certainly took some innocence from them, I hope it taught them compassion. This brings me to talk about my husband. David carries a huge load; it makes him stronger.

My husband -- so caring and hard-working man I married. You had done just exactly what you do best. If you can, you work to fix whatever problem for me. Your support is just something I can count on, no matter what happens. You refrain from obsessing about things, endlessly discussing my situation, and refrain from constantly suggesting new directions. You let me go through the process of understanding and defining who I am. This self-examination alone will give me the strength to survive the ups and downs of life. David, you are the love of my life--always in my thoughts and heart. I love you for going through so much with me all these years. Thank you for being with me through life's thick and thin moments. I cannot imagine my life without you. Incredibly, you remain calm and sane. I am blessed to have you by my side." 

My mother-in-law has had a significant impact on my recovery. Her help inadvertently hurt me initially, but we eventually worked things out. My love and respect drive me to pray for her daily, and this is my request to God. I have come to love her wholeheartedly, and I'm sure no bad blood goes between us. I pray for my Mother-In-Law, who may not have given me the gift of life, but life has given me the gift of her. The bond between us is an eternal one. Because it is not DNA, flesh or blood-- but the heart that makes us family, I thank her for loving me as her own. I may never have a picture-perfect relationship with my Mother-In-Law, but I can love her the way Christ calls me to—the way you love me. As I pray for my Mother-In-Law, my heart softens. I am ashamed of the times I have vented about my mother-in-law before my husband. When I complained about my Mother-In-Law, it was not respectful to her, and it hurt my husband. Please forgive me, my Lord.

I am no perfect human being. And although she treats me has always been kind and out of love, sometimes it's misunderstood. The way I've reacted could be tasteful. I am so blessed to have my Mother-In-Law in my life. She is always there for me, and I am healing with her help. Jesus, my Lord, I must make myself constantly aware that I am a sinner in need of God's grace. We are both in dire need of your love and refinement, my God. Your love towards me isn't conditional, and my passion for my Mother-In-Law is unconditional. I am confident you, God, have a plan for our relationship."

I am so happy that I am currently on only one medication. The Zyprexa injectable medication calmed my mania, even when I was out of my mood, and eased my depression. It allows me to sleep most nights. I see and talk to a therapist, too. Despite all this help, there are days I have a hard time when I did not sleep at all the night before. I am unable to do anything other than get my kids fed. When I am too depressed, I tell the kids, "Mommy's sick." At the other end of the spectrum, if I'm in a manic phase, I frantically write in my journal and clean around the house or be stuck on the computer, neglecting my family. I am very aware of this, but I can't control myself. During my ups and downs, because of my family, I forced myself to get up in the morning and do my best to fight the bipolar symptoms to a somewhat average level. Getting out of bed when the medication causes sleepiness (yet prevents mania and psychosis) is a feat. I get restless, pacing, and sometimes I feel like I will explode from the inside.

This was when I had "bipolar issues," so I asked God to help me. My family does not need to endure me during my extreme mood swing. When this happens, I quietly shut my bedroom door, sit on my bed, and try to get myself out of my current state by praying to God. I take my rescue medication to calm me. I put soothing Christian songs on and lay down listening and praying for rest and sleep with my focus on God and digging deeper into understanding my purpose in life. He put me in this place so he could anoint me. How greatly I needed deliverance, and how I longed to be set free from the bondage. That is my problem. I was ashamed and embarrassed to know people had witnessed me losing control at church. Then the enemy uses that to take this moment away from me, and I lose my sense of purpose.

God doesn't delight in hurting His children. His wrath is not poured out on His beloved. He is full of mercy and compassion. Every time we walk through the pains of death, trauma, and our crippling imaginary concerns. He is not the enemy. He is not the aggressor. He is the Comforter. Life changed for me when I learned to understand the Word of God and not be overcome by my fears. I realized that though I could not fix myself, Jesus walked into this broken, sad, scary place to rescue, love, and cast out all fear. The Lord reassured me that I am loved, not because I am good, but because He is good. I am scared, but He is good. I will focus on my newfound enlightenment and let go of the part that wants to self-criticize. I have a purpose now. I am not in darkness anymore.

In general, the purpose is the driving force in life that gears one towards destiny. Without a goal, life feels empty because there is nothing substantive to look forward to. However, giving up is never an option when purpose comes into the picture. It is crucial to understand the purpose and the paramount mandate that comes with it. I can testify that my life has changed positively since I found my goal. The writing of this book is a function of understanding purpose and the responsibility to rescue those who would feel intimidated by the tribulations of life. That notwithstanding, the purpose is guided by God to enhance productivity. God is the master of purpose, and everyone is assigned explicitly according to their path in life. Your acceleration and progress are guaranteed when you receive purpose in a God-given way. You cannot receive purpose from God and fail to become a trailblazer. You see better and experience spiritual backing from God. When I received my purpose, I was given the strength to pursue it and continue. I receive an unusual Grace to perform, and I'm grateful that I will change my life and those of others through inspiration. 

I used to feel uncomfortable going to a charismatic church and being around "very religious" people that spoke in tongue. I avoided these people because I assumed they'd either pressure me to do something I didn't want to do or take one look at me and label me a bad Christian for not wanting to be a part of their beliefs. This was a negative thought coming from me. These were the feelings that my unhealthy mind created. My fear was so thick that I subconsciously avoided listening to God. It was terrifying when the Holy Spirit gave me the grace to see God. I always run away and run in the opposite direction from Him because my mind has trouble processing, so I would react in a flight-or-fight response and dissociate. It is hard to explain my extensive, meaningful interactions with God. They tend to have a significant you-had-to-be-there feel. I had a tough time understanding it all.

God's purpose for me is to enable me to overcome my pains and be humble to empathize on a deeper level with people. One day I can help people who need healing just like me, and I believe that time is ripe for that. I've been told for the longest time that I'm sick, but I know the Holy Spirit is healing my mind. Today, I can now think clearly as medications have managed the symptoms of my illnesses. I have been through intense high times for the last six years. Every night, I reflect on the experiences that have shaped me. I'm healing, but I know I did not do this alone. Much of who I am today can be attributed to God.

I believe in medicine and doctors, but now I strongly believe in divine healing. I've had several extraordinary experiences with you where you intervened and revealed yourself by going into my mind. I didn't know back then, but I know now that my healing journey began from my first spiritual encounter in my bedroom when I was touched by your hand. But since I have been diagnosed with mental illness, I felt torn believing the disease caused the experiences I had. Being stable now, I think there is more to it. I accept the diagnosis, but the diagnosis and my belief in God, go hand in hand. I believe there is more to these experiences than putting them down to mental illness. I'm still trying to figure out the deep spiritual meanings of my experiences. It is not so much about whether it is accurate or imaginary. Even though there may be a mental health aspect to these experiences, the meaning an individual connects with that experience is most important.