Chapter 2: Clarity After Unearthing Everything

Perhaps, in retrospect, I shouldn't have gone back to looking at my birthday pictures and remembering about that night how perfectly normal I looked, just like everyone else. This tricked my brain into believing I was no longer sick and feeling much better. I think now is a good time for me to return to work. I was so excited, but my doctors disagreed. I reacted negatively and felt helpless because I didn't choose that I could work for myself. Wanting to go back to work. It gives me a sense of normalcy and validates that I am okay. I am on the right path to recovery. However, it is not easy to sit back and let time heal me because, during this process, I always focus on learning my triggers while stressing and overthinking other things. 

Do you believe I'm constantly trying to determine a "normal" and "reasonable" thought process and reaction in any situation? Is it normal I'm continually trying to overcome how my bipolar brain naturally thinks? Do you do what I do, constantly trying to deal with the extremeness of my thoughts internally, so I can maintain the normalcy of my behaviors externally? Believe me, this is beyond difficult because sometimes I can't control myself whenever I strongly overreact. Not in my right mind, I unintentionally get caught up in all the bipolar stuff -- I will write the longest blog for hours, send irrational emails, and nonstop text a barrage of irate messages to everyone.

Is it me? No, it's bipolar. I can't control it. Bipolar is very predictable. Bipolar behaviors and actions are always the same. The cycle doesn't change. Insanity is when you keep doing the same thing with the same results, then repeat, you do it again and repeat and keep repeating- this is mental illness. 

You think I should stop fighting or trying to justify this vicious cycle because there's no rhyme or reason and leave it to the specialist to "make sense" of it. How long will that take? Changes don't happen overnight. Yes, I know it's been 5 years and counting. I have come to terms with everything by acknowledging and accepting it, but I am always unsure. Yes, I can always seek a second opinion for assurance but why. I have nothing better to do than dwell. I'm taking charge of it. Now things are different. I am overcome by a sense that compelled me to answer my questions. I must learn the triggers and know what caused them so that when I see what is wrong, I accept it and try to change it. I can make sense of my experiences quicker than leaving them to my doctors.

I know what to do, but seeing past the mania when David and I argued was tough. I admit I am not well because I realize I'm still stuck in the same bipolar cycle. Why?! Damn, it. I don't feel bipolar, and I accepted the new treatment for the medication to be given by injection from the psychiatrist. This means I no longer have the control to decide whether to take it or not take the pills every night. I can't stay consistent on taking the drugs because I don't feel sick whenever mania creeps in, making me feel great, so my brain refuses. Like you only take medication when you feel sick, right? I'm the opposite. When I'm sick, I feel great; I don't need to take medication. Feeling great taking medication doesn't make sense to someone with bipolar disorder like me. So that's why they finally put me on injectable medicines.

Reflecting, it's been 5 years and counting. Deep inside, I am very irritated and upset this journey is taking so long. But my doctors still said I was sick, so I requested my medical records from my old psychiatrist, who diagnosed me in 2014. As I was reading through 61 pages of my medical records, I thought there was a period in the past; I had experiences that are precisely what I'm experiencing now. Exactly. The. Same. Same emotions. Same feelings. Same thoughts. Same reasons.

Every day trying to defeat the way a bipolar brain thinks is impossible. Still, when I read in the medical record that was written by the doctor, "She is good at proving the impossible is possible," this is precisely the part that I'm learning that it's another part of me still doing to this day and now as me can find a way to overcome from this point on. I understand more about myself. To be transparent, I want to share the records with you. Believe me. Dealing with bipolar thoughts is exhausting but also exhilarating at the same time makes it so complex. If I don't moderate and deal with my reviews appropriately, I won't let them go or won't 

Because I am medicated, I can have more self-awareness and find more clarity quicker than leaving it to my doctors to try to understand everything. To tell me to stop fighting or stop trying to justify this vicious cycle, then no one really listens and understands it's nice; it's bits. Proving this to myself is my reason and my constant struggle. Is it me? No. I'm acknowledging and accepting I got it, but it's mit'smore than that. It's an aIt'slness, but I know it's a mit'ssponsibility to get well. How does anyone, even my doctors, understand what'swhat'sning inside my brain. My writing depicts bipolar, but It takes so much energy, time, and tolerance even though I have trouble when I'm not bipolar. 

With everything going on simultaneously, I know I'm touched by the Holy Spirit and will stop here. That's another story I blogged about one night, and I will wait to get into it with you. But reading what was written in the medical records helped me make sense of myself and gave me more self-realization of the DID I don't talk about. I got triggered by all the reasons in life in general that everyone else goes through the same struggles. I have different parts in me that my mind created to react to those stressful times...Money...Social Security Disability...Work... The records are about me, but I can't think how bizarre I am. I have medical records stating that Lena is a pleaser and likes to plan things to be the perfect patient. Being my Dominate Part, she wants the chance to work on fixing herself. She wants to change the cycle. 

Yes! I will make this happen!

Social Security Administration keeps me on disability. I think because I haven't fixed my inner thermostat is malfunctioning right now. I'm riding it out until it can operate correctly if you know what I mean. I have to also work on being more present with Diggy and the kids from the outside. This will always be a challenge because I'm bipolar, but it's my responsibility to get well, and another challenge is trusting the process because I'm very impatient.

The lesson learned from each episode: clarity comes from engagement, not thoughts that can activate and open channels to tell my truth and understand the power of positive quitting. My heart is the most vital part, not my brain. Nothing in this world is worth the quality of our relationship with our loved ones. (Husband, the kids, and all my loving family and friends) I lost sight many times and got caught up in being unsure how to move ahead, and that is right because I need to find my new happiness.