Chapter 3: The Reality of Bipolar Disorder For Me

I educated myself on everything about bipolar. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that forms a combination of biochemical, genetic, and environmental factors that may trigger and perpetuate the brain's chemical imbalances. Bipolar disorder cannot be diagnosed physiologically by blood tests or brain scans. Diagnosis is based on symptoms, course of illness, and family history. Mental diseases run in my family. The different types of bipolar disorder are diagnosed based on the pattern and severity of manic and depressive episodes. In extreme episodes, I can be sky-high by morning, but by lunchtime, I am incredibly depressed about being suicidal. The primary course of treatment for bipolar disorder is medication.

Bipolar I Disorder with symptoms that can be so severe that it needs immediate hospital care. The symptoms of mania or depression must significantly change from normal behavior. I got diagnosed with this bipolar. Manic or mixed episodes mainly define the attacks I had, and symptoms are primarily manic and can be manifested into full-blown mania. After such an experience, I constantly crash into a depressive episode with symptoms that can get so severe that I cannot function. My manic highs often look like enthusiasm. The lows I keep hidden from most people.

Bipolar II Disorder is defined by a pattern of depressive episodes shifting back and forth with hypomanic episodes. Still, no full-blown manic or mixed episodes are manifested.

Rapid-Cycling Bipolar Disorder is when a person has four or more episodes of major depression, mania, hypomania, or mixed symptoms within a year. This is when I feel euphoric and suicidal at one time, and that is the truth, and it is indeed possible. It's excruciating, which is the cause of why we rather hang ourselves to die because nothing makes sense. This world is fucken too much. Let me die. 

Ok, enough of that. While no cure exists for bipolar disorder, it is treatable and manageable with psychotherapy and medications. Mood stabilizers, like lithium or antipsychotic drugs, are commonly prescribed to help manage the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I'll share how it affected me in reality. 

Growing up, I used to hear about cases of mental illnesses. Still, I never paid close attention because I never thought I would become a victim. Throughout my life, it never occurred to me that I would be a victim of bipolar disorder. However, mental illnesses could deprive people of peace and lead to other second-stage effects. That notwithstanding, I was not interested in learning beyond that because it did not concern me in any way. It only appeared natural to me the moment I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I could not believe it. The various stages one goes through with this condition are now a subject so close to my heart. I have suffered from this condition for several years now, but I have seen the healing of God in my life. I intend to help others who could be reading this book wondering whether bipolar disorder is a death sentence. Some of the knowledge that could help them understand the condition better is shared in this chapter.

Bipolar disorder is a brain disorder that affects the chemicals of the brain and causes changes in mood and behavior as opposed to normal personal responses. In my case, the emotions I experience can be inappropriate or exaggerated responses, but I feel like it's normal. More technically, bipolar disorder is a genetically transmitted medical condition that affects the chemistry of intense episodes of mania or depression and other symptoms. It is a combination of biochemical, genetic, and environmental factors that may trigger the chemical imbalances in the brain that causes severe shifts in my mood and energy, making it difficult for me to function normally when I get sick. It's fundamentally a biological and medical illness involving an impaired ability to stabilize certain aspects of brain chemistry. Bipolar disorder causes repeated severe mood swings or episodes that make you feel highly high (mania) or extremely low (depressive), with a wide range of symptoms in between. I am not new to these symptoms, as they have been evident in my life for the past few years. This chapter will discuss the significant signs and my experience with each symptom. 

Mania episodes have signs and symptoms such as increased energy from excess adrenaline: Any time I had excessive adrenaline, I would stay awake for days. I would even use my own body to create a natural high. It is called adrenaline, and my body naturally makes it like everyone. Except for me, it is excess adrenaline that keeps me awake at night because my brain has so much energy. My brain is in hyperdrive. I lay in bed, but I could not sleep at all. I was talking fast and would not let anyone sleep. The manic energy was so much that I had to get out of bed, go downstairs, and jump on the treadmill running at speed 9 at 3 am. David knows it was always my bizarre behavior I do whenever I am manic that we can't explain.

I could not even settle as I found things here and there and moved about, staying awake for days until I crashed. Increased involvement in goal-directed activities is a symptom that usually keeps me up all night, making up things to do, like working on my financial audit. I create new Excel reports and develop a system for tracking, projecting, and budgeting for finances. I would create a complete proposal for no one as if it is the most important thing for me to do every night. I became obsessed with making everything perfect to the point of being delusional. I would do it every night and wake my husband to present my work to him. Any time he couldn't keep up with me or understand what I was trying to do would get me incredibly angry and overly frustrated. He could occasionally remind me that my mania was creating uncontrollable chaos. The euphoric mood will not take medication: It makes me feel good whenever I stay up and fail to sleep. The longer I stay awake, the more I feel alive and alert. I do not believe that I am sick. My brain registered that this was normal, and I would refuse to take medications occasionally. 

Racing thoughts and over-sharing are symptoms I despise the most because I can sometimes be unruly when talking, texting, writing, and crashing into ideas with others. They can hardly communicate when I am around them. I spoke to my psychologist and asked why I always had the intense urge to overshare. She explained that there will always be a bit of a manic over-achiever in me to share as much as I can with anyone and everyone because being mania is when it is always about me. It is a part of being manic, and there is also evidence of dissociative disorder. It makes me need to reconcile the impossible by explaining everything to anyone. It was what I needed to be able to analyze myself, and I realized disclosing too soon and too much could feel like a massive overshare. This behavior is something I cannot see on my own during times like that because I am either bipolar or dissociated. 

Oversharing is a huge issue. I know that my urge to overshare is my mania symptom. Still, it is also a dissociative symptom because different Parts of me have the compulsion to "get everything out" This has sometimes been problematic for me. And quite frankly, it is not normal, and I am aware of the situation. There is a part of me that feels like giving way too much of myself entirely too soon we self-realization happens. And how and what my legs and I share feel "pressured" to get out. I am not needy or clingy or anything like that. Still, with people I'm close to, I'm constantly reaching out to rant and apologize for interrupting at the wrong time and place. But I really cannot help myself at times. It is so impulsive, but at the same time, if I do not say or text what just popped into my mind, I am afraid I may lose that thought. My thoughts race so fast that, at times, I cannot keep up with them. I usually want to get it out immediately without thinking twice. It is compelling for me to tell you something that will always be ridiculously long. I could not get everything I needed to explain in. 

Starting projects I am confident will change the world is a weird mania symptom and gets me amped up severely. If I were to confess, starting this book project made me feel manic at times, and throughout the process, it was constant. I get overly excited, and the mania side of me wants to save the world. Still, on my rational side, I just want my book to help others, not expecting any more than that but maybe a little bit for myself to reflect on when I'm not experiencing any bipolar episodes to rationalize everything. Lack of concern makes me very ashamed. Being manic is always about me, and I cannot empathize with anyone else. This was very evident during my early stages of bipolar. I felt that I owed no one an apology for my behavior. 

For years, I never thought it was a problem because I had many things going on to cover this significant problem of no sleep for 1-3 days weekly. It's a cycle that drives David crazy but nothing dramatic to me because I feel fucken great and depressed all at the time during those moments. See me cry my eyes out. See me dancing in the dark. See me frantically typing, writing it all out to make sense of what happened or happening because I'm so compelled to explain myself to myself. For the longest time, I could not bring myself to bed at the intended time, causing me to become mania or hypomania. Every night I go to bed and then toss and turn all night, unable to fall asleep. I need to take medications to help me sleep. I fail to do what I know is good for me. I easily get distracted by things when I need to go to bed. I want to go to bed on time but do not. I cannot sleep at night. There is a decrease in the need to sleep because I have been hypomanic, but I have been a night owl all my life. I feel most alert, and I function best during nighttime. This belief gets me in trouble. 

A heightened sense of self-importance is a ridiculous symptom that makes me feel like I am God and invincible. Sometimes I feel like I am not from this world and an alien from another planet, lost in this world surrounded by idiots. Spending sprees during manic highs, I would go to the bank and withdraw cash from my bank account to be recklessly spontaneous, including wild overspending. I was not thinking of the consequences. It is always during difficult times that I go on a spending spree because it makes me feel better and justified that I am not poor. Still, the reality is -- I am the cause of our financial hardships, and I feel bad about it. Acquiring things was a substitute for the emptiness I felt inside. Legally my husband is my representative managing my disability benefits money. I'm not in charge of my finances because I'm an idiot. The heck with that. It kills me. Does anyone care to know I used to run a company as a director? Now look at me. I'm a sad case who gets allowances. You see why I always craved mania? So this is like -- I have no money, but I am God. Whatever works. 

I don't know what is worse than trying to argue with myself by being my doctor to find a cure for my illness. Throughout the night, I stayed up reading three books, trying to find the cure for myself, and obsessively wrote down notes. I woke my husband up to explain what I had learned at 3 am. A time that I don't get sleep is a significant cause of stress to David because it affects him in one way or another. He always told me to leave the matter to my doctors. Still, I could not go to them because my bipolar brain convinced me that everyone was an idiot, including the doctors. 

Have you ever heard about religious psychosis or hyper-religiosity? I was so shocked to the core when I learned about it. At the extreme of these experiences, an enormous amount of information flooded my brain. It seemed like I took on supernatural powers, acquiring knowledge that I believed was flowing from other dimensions that "normal" people could not detect. However, I am now experiencing stability and do not have all that false information. But having said that, this is when I get so confused because I'm unwell. I want to know whether what I experienced was real or imaginary. 

Loss of appetite causes unintended weight loss whenever I am in a mania state of mind. I do not feel hungry when I am manic. I get a cotton mouth, making food taste like rubber. I also do not drink much water because I do not get thirsty. I compulsively go on the scale to weigh myself and then check if the number is decreasing. I do this repeatedly every 15 minutes, which could look strange to other people. Denial that anything is wrong: I used to live in forfeiture of the fact that I was suffering from bipolar disorder. No one feels like accepting the condition. To justify themselves, they develop a feeling of hope and optimism and, in the end, live-in denial of the situation. I believe I am a fully functioning person whenever I get manic; this is why it is hard to see if anything is wrong. Psychotic symptoms, with full-blown mania, I eventually can't function independently. I must be in quarantine at home under strict care from family members. I experienced the most severe episode when I had full-blown mania lasting five days. In the manic phase of bipolar disorder, I experience feelings of heightened energy, creativity, and euphoria. When I have a full-blown manic episode, I talk a mile a minute, don't sleep, and am hyperactive.

I'm when in a full-blown manic episode. I feel like I am all-powerful, invincible, and destined for greatness then I lose touch with reality. I get psychotic almost always. I would feel so out of control makes me want to jump out of my skin. I see shadows around me. Everything spins in my head, and I feel detached from the world. I hear voices in my head screaming at me and hear crying throughout the night. My mind and heart feel like they are racing. After days without sleep, my body goes into overdrive, shaking and twitching. It makes me feel sick and nauseous. My blood pressure goes high. I feel like I am suffocating. Looking in the mirror, I see a deformed monster looking back at me. Loss of all con act with reality: The world around me gets twisted, and things get surreal. 

Having said that, let's talk about depressive episode signs and symptoms. Sad, anxious, or empty-feeling mood: I would feel empty and sad from deep within, but I am still learning to trust in God, and I believe my healing will be absolute. Feelings of hopelessness and pessimism: Battling this illness placed me on edge. I sometimes felt hopeless, especially after knowing that the medication I was undertaking was not a guarantee of total healing. Feelings of guilt and worthlessness: I think it was my fault that I was sick. My family gives me unconditional love, and it kills me that I can never return the same passion because I cannot control it when I get sick.

I know this hurts my family repeatedly. I would love to reciprocate and honor them similarly, but I don't know how. Loss of interest or pleasure in activities: I do not want to write or read when I have this symptom. I feel so much slower. I cannot escape the darkness when it takes over during my low periods. I do not shower. Do not brush my teeth. I cannot take care of my kids like an ordinary mother. My house is a mess because I cannot clean it. Lack of energy and fatigue: I would sleep all day and all night for two to three days straight. It is exceedingly difficult to leave my bedroom, and I cannot get myself to function. I do not talk to anyone. I become a recluse.

Difficulty concentrating: The depressed mind can also be preoccupied d by depressive symptoms. This, combined with the lack of ability to think clearly, leaves me with few resources to complete daily tasks. I cannot decide. It never feels right: I always feel unsure and unconfident to act. I believe people are talking badly about me, which freaks me out. I question everything and end up not doing anything at all. Restlessness and irritability: This situation cannot allow me to be settled. Occasionally, I feel very restless, and I am irritated by exceedingly small things. Sleeping too much for 1-3 days: Anytime I get an opportunity to sleep after I crash from the mania episode, it can be continuous for one to three days. Binge eating, unintended weight gain: In the earlier mentioned symptoms, I get chronic loss of appetite, and I am bound to lose weight unintentionally. In this case, the reverse happens. I develop a high affinity for food, which leads to weight addition, although I do not intend to. I would sleepwalk, and binge eats at night without being fully aware of my actions. 

The scariest to experience and to have psychotic symptoms. I had experienced psychotic, paranoid thoughts, including unrealistic beliefs that others were trying to harm or control me – feeling that I was being spied upon, followed, or plotted against, for instance, and people were reading my thoughts. Delusions and hallucinations have no known source, and this affects the mental composition of my mind. This challenge severely affects me. Unable to function in daily tasks. My level of productivity drastically falls as I need to carry on with my daily job as I am used to. I get scared to leave my bedroom, and I am bedridden. Isolate from everyone. I want to hide under my bed and be left alone because it is too much work to be around others, and during this period, I hate everyone. I have difficulty communicating and cannot generally talk because I get stuck in my head. Thoughts are racing in my mind, so getting a word out of my mouth is hard. 

Difficulty expressing feelings/thoughts. Due to inadequacy, I cannot express my feelings and thoughts, especially before other people. Neediness, anxiety, distorted beliefs. Having known that there is no established cure for bipolar, I feel anxious and restless. I cannot tell the future direction as far as my health is concerned. For that reason, I develop stress, anxiety, and distorted thoughts. Paranoid ideas. I recall having such weird beliefs that people are talking about me. This happens to me as I feel that all eyes are on me, and either I will hurt them, or they will hurt me. Feeling easily overwhelmed. After doing a small task, I feel overwhelmed. This includes feeling like I cannot go on and must quit everything I am doing because of the pressure. I would feel overwhelmed in crowds, pressured by others, want to hide in bed, run away, and feel physically uncomfortable and anxious. 

Oversensitivity I am familiar with this feeling because, in most cases, I would become overly sensitive due to minute issues in my immediate environment. Overanalyzing everything puts me much pressure when putting up as many details as possible. If I am explaining, for instance, I am likely to overanalyze and even give irrelevant information. One thought keeps going through my mind repeatedly. Brain racing and looping. This thought becomes dominant, and I cannot help but revolve around it for a long time. Thoughts of death or suicide torture me when I want to kill myself. This is the depression state I hate to talk about when I become suicidal, and no one ever knew about it. As I said, people do not see this side of me being bed-bound with severe depression.

I would feel everything going downhill when I woke up and developed feelings of suicide the following day. I felt broken and admitted that my irritability, unpredictability, and self-loathing put my husband through much hurt and heartache. I cried and got overly emotional for no reason, so lost in life. I was not even sure where I was going or how I felt, just that I was not feeling good at all, feeling irritated beyond belief by anything and everything. During such moments, I used to party and drink so much that I do not even remember the night. Still, I would wake up with thoughts of escaping misery, and I wanted to die. It terrified me. I was in this predicament when I was home alone with my kids. I heard voices telling me I was supposed to die and kill myself. It was so painful to me as the votes were compelling. However, I remember doing something I had never done. I kept hidden from everyone to seek help and be willing to expose myself. I called out for help by reaching out at a crucial moment. I called my friend, who is like a big sister to me. She came over and did not play games straight up and demanded I get professional help because if I died, she would kick my ass at my own funeral. That is true raw unconditional love right at that moment.