Chapter 4: Understanding My Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)

The traumatic boat accident caused me to develop Dissociative Identity Disorder, also known as DID, as a coping strategy and a response to severe traumatic events. This is a disorder of the mind. It is an involuntary escape from my reality by a disconnection between thoughts, identity, consciousness, and memory. 

The cause of my deformed leg was an accident when I was two. I survived but was scarred for life. I was two years old when my family members were refugees escaping from Vietnam on a boat traveling to America. I was asleep in my Mother's arms when my pants got caught in the motor, and the blades cut my leg. I was bleeding profusely in the middle of the ocean at night, and I almost died. It happened like a miracle because an American ship appeared and rescued us. I was just a baby who could not communicate my pain, and I was suffering so much that it caused the splitting of my mind. This traumatic event psychologically overwhelms me driving my mind to 'split off' this experience. This allows me to survive and function day-to-day, distant from the trauma of amnesia. This means a person with DID will perceive themselves as made of many 'parts' (often referred to as 'alters'), each of whom function, think, experience, and interact with the world independently and separately.

Throughout my childhood, I created the presence of some distinct personality alters that were a reaction to more traumas to help me avoid bad memories. As an adult, DID was fully developed as an adaptive defense in response to high stress and trauma characterized by memory loss and disconnection from my surroundings. DID happen when my "inner child" or some other hidden separate parts of myself operates independently, seize control, and makes me act differently, not myself, and sometimes impairs my ability to function. I do not feel like myself; I feel like some other person I refer to as a separate alter. I describe a severe dissociative symptom inside me because that internal "other alters" is an independent identity state. If I am experiencing trauma dissociating into separate states of mind, different memories will become available at different times. 

My mind activated altered states of different consciousness that helped me marshal the inner resources to cope with a situation that otherwise would have been overwhelming. Whenever I believe I am in extreme danger, need to deal with an unbearable stressful situation, or even feel like I am about to die, I become dissociated. Alter personalities typically emerge during these episodes, and amnesia separates one character from the others. 

On the other hand, DID is a dissociative identity disorder attributed to environmental causes. Specifically, DID is believed to be the result of early childhood trauma. This illness is to cope with trauma by using the self-protective defense of dissociation. The events that occurred at a charismatic church worsened the symptoms of DID. On rare occasions, I once experienced a healthy adaptive defense for the past few years. But the incident at the Giver of Life church now makes it an automatic response to everyday stress or any trigger of traumatic memories. 

The primary treatment method for DID is therapy, aiming to process trauma healthily and learn to cooperate with parts as a system. I have been in therapy treatment once a week for many years with Dr. Melody London. She said that with the proper care and treatment, the parts of the personality could learn to communicate and work together to heal from the trauma endured so that I can enjoy a less disordered, more fulfilling life.

Hallucinations, which do occur in severe cases of bipolar disorder mania, are frequently experienced in DID from time to time. Hearing strange voices are a common symptom of DID. In DID, hallucinations are not attributed to psychosis; they are the voices of my alters being listened to by the host, who is me. In bipolar disorder, however, hallucinations are attributed to madness and are treated with Zyprexa.

I heard many voices in my head that were strange, and I had a tough time trying to differentiate whether it was caused by bipolar or by DID. I could also frequently try extremely hard to search within myself to hear the voice of God. Everything could get extorted inside my mind. For instance, recalling what happened at church when I was dramatically traumatized, all my Parts are triggered by a reminder of the emotional abuse that caused me to experience problems and disruption to my current mental well-being. In movies and TV shows, switches between alternate identities tend to be wildly exaggerated for dramatic effect. In reality, switching between alters can't be identified by a casual observer at all. When I am switching, no one can tell. I want people to understand that my alters are not my enemies; they exist to help me. Although they may be misguided at times, there are moments when God intervened to teach me how to work together as a team.

When my symptoms began, I focused more on my spiritual beliefs, finding spiritual help to sustain me in difficult times. My views are supportive rather than problematic, so the grace of God can flow through me. I feel full of the Holy Spirit, and I'm working on conditioning my heart to use what I have in the right way and find my purpose. I'm feeling more confident, and I found clarity to believe these changes are reasonable. I feel so overcome by the realization that my true self is evolving in different ways. It compels me to dig deeper, breaking these illusions I convinced myself with. God is allowing me to grow, and I believe Him telling me to stop seeing what I have as a sickness. My mind is going through a renewal process, and I'm using it for God's glory.