Chapter 5: Divine Encounter

My divine encounter with God has suspended that fear slowly and deep within me. It never occurred to me that I would be moved by the power of God and become a born-again Christian. I had seen people devote themselves and their families to serving God but was never interested neither was I moved. Being spiritual was not my thing, and I could not fathom the matters of church, God, and spirituality. By then, I was not sensitive to the issues of God, faith, and any spiritual orientation for whatever reason. The only positive thing I knew was that spiritual people were good-hearted and socially and morally upright. That was the furthest point I went, and that was all I could fathom by then. Although I have heard many cases of people backsliding on their faith, God's steadfast love and unending grace have been enough for me, and I have witnessed Him walking with me at every stage of life. However, when I met the raw power of God, my life took a different path. I encountered light and realized I had been living in darkness all along. I knew that God's side was the best place to be. I will never forget how I felt ever since the decision was final. God works in many ways, and His ways are not like ours, for He holds the end before the beginning. I am confident that God has touched my life in a particular way. I remember the need to help to understand what I experienced and what I continue to experience. 

I had an experience with something that blew my mind to its core. I was severely ill and medicated when I first attended Giver of Life Church. Being there at church, I got overstimulated. The loud worshipping startled me in a big way. I remember walking up to the front of the church to have Pastor Selina pray for me. I was frightened by the people speaking in tongues, waving flags, and hearing someone blowing the horn loudly as it caught me off guard. As I walked further up, I felt like I was losing my mind. Then I saw a woman standing before me, passing out and falling backward on the ground. This freaked me out, and I become dissociate. I feel disconnected from myself and the world around me. I felt someone take over my body, and my mind reacted violently. Whenever the unknown or the unseen came to me, I automatically responded in ways I had permanently wired myself. My mind splits-- and immediately follows another alter taking control during a fight or flight response. This incident made it the primary way I dealt with stressful experiences. Dissociation is one way my mind copes with too much stress, such as during a traumatic event. I therefore withdrew and went deep into the darkness of my mind at that moment. I lost sense of all reality. I was petrified and could not understand what was happening around me. I knew people saw me acting extremely crazy. I felt like my body didn't belong to me. It was like I was an outsider watching my own story unfold. It was not me whom they saw from the outside. I was not present because I subconsciously went away, and my mind was activated for different alters inside me to take over. The medical term for that is called "switching." I was switching like a revolving door. I was no longer the host. 

I mentally went away, and this was when I walked smack into the presence of God. This was when I encountered God. At that moment, the power of God hit me, and every single alteration inside my mind was overcome with different emotions. God intervened in the supernatural world, going inside my mind to find me while my other alters reacted in the natural world. It was pretty much surreal, and I was terrified that everyone at church would think I was a freak, and I genuinely don't remember anything. I stopped attending the church. I had amnesia until the memories of the events at that church came back slowly. For the past years, I believed I was insane and could not talk about the experiences at Give of Life church because I felt labeled as being sick in the head. No one wanted to listen, let alone believe that what I wanted to say was true. I remember waking up about two in the morning, sitting bolt upright in bed in a cold sweat, and saying, 'Oh, my God.' There was such a vivid memory of the events at Giver of Life. I grew stronger remembering the events as if it just happened yesterday. I dismissed my experiences until I finally got the strength to ask about them a few years later. It dawned on me that I ran away every time I encountered God. Still, words cannot express the absolute feeling, but the relief that my life got from encountering God is untold.

I never knew what I was heading into when I agreed to attend Giver of Life church. I realized that fear is the same spiritual force as faith but moving in reverse gear. Fear is a twisted form of faith; it is faith in the enemy's ability to harm. On the one hand, religion is produced by hearing the Word of God, while fear comes by hearing or not hearing and believing the wrong things. Fear and faith are mutually exclusive and, like forward and reverse gear, cannot simultaneously operate in the same heart. Without understanding how the two spirits work, you can succumb to the abyss of fear and live a tormented life. However, when you know the full force of faith, your life dramatically shifts, and you begin to command uncommon results in life. Before I encountered the power of God, I was not only dominated by fear but also restlessness. I felt much fear and torment, considering the mental illness and challenges were beyond my control.

I feel encouraged to pursue my purpose and help others realize and follow theirs. The dynamics of anxiety are at my fingertips, and I can tell you that fear gives minor problems a big shadow. You feel overwhelmed, hopeless, and cornered by situations. The anxiety that comes with the reality of illness convinces you that you will die. But I am grateful to the spirit of God that comes to my rescue. This is actualized through the heart of faith as you develop steadfast trust in the Almighty. As quickly as the force of fear had swept over me, it retreated because of the power of Jesus. He knows I have difficulty differentiating between what I see is real vs. psychosis vs. what is spiritual, so He gave me the gift of clarity. 

I remember at church, they were showing the movie 'Passion of Christ' and the part when Jesus gets beaten made me cry. Then I saw the bright ray of light above the ceiling and ran away. I didn't turn around and crawl out, but my body turned around and crawled under rows of chairs, trying to escape. I couldn't talk to save my soul because there was a battle about whether I should leave the church, and someone wanting some memory to come up and someone else suppressing it. I recall feeling split like I am not part of my body, of not being whole. I feel so many ways. I don't know who I am. I am a stranger to myself, lost inside my mind. During this episode, I felt God come straight into my heart and force me to touch him. I collapsed on the floor and felt excruciating pain that no human should feel and live. I screamed in pain as I cried for Him to stop hurting me. It was too much for me to withstand, and I felt weak. I wouldn't say I like feeling too much. I begged it to stop. Jesus forced me to touch Him. I feel Jesus engulfing me throughout my mind and body. I realized He died for my hurt, and His pain was meant to redeem all who believe in Him. I wept before God as I felt this incredible love washing over me. Instead of hurting me, He lavished His love and called me his daughter into his kingdom. When I opened my eyes, it was so bright that they hurt my eyes. Jesus knows I was still in denial. Jesus stayed with me, and I kept hearing, "Feel me, feel me....my child." I screamed and cried until my mind stopped running away. I woke up on the floor surrounded by people, not remembering how I got down there, and Pastor Selina was always there holding me while I cried.