Chapter 9: Enthralling Experiences

I have realized that every level has its standards and experiences therein. I have faced some of the most traumatic experiences that I could have thought of. I never saw them coming, nor was I prepared for them. With every venture, I realized that they come with lessons, and we need to learn from them. At first, it appeared to me like they were punishments, but I have learned with time that they are not. When you encounter God, your level of reasoning becomes different, and you stand to learn things the God way. My mental illnesses and part of the experiences that brought me down, but I thank God's Grace for raising me. My message to the world regarding enthralling experiences is that they must be strong. They will go through mountains and valleys but must believe in God. Sometimes, what we expect to happen does not, and the difference between what we want and what happens is a discrepancy. For that reason, we are brought to humiliation but never grounded. I encourage you to believe in God and be optimistic that things will fall into place. In the fullness of time, God will make their lives beautiful. I have been writing concerning these experiences from time to time. I now realize what I wrote is quite a bit to take in at once, but like everything else, I am trying my best to work on that. I am trying to be as transparent as I can. So, my psychiatrist said that being on the new injectable medication treatment, I have more self-awareness, so when times the bipolar creeping in, I can catch myself and stop myself from talking too much. I will do my best to ride out the episode. Once I'm back in a normal state of mind, I can share it without going into a rampage from over-sharing my bipolar experience. 

However, when the dissociation happens, I feel that I can switch to another alter of my personality, which is my coping mechanism for all kinds of stress, not just traumatic stress. Dissociation is an entirely normal response to overwhelming situations, mostly when I inadvertently overreact to something and another mood swing hits me. The nerve cells responsible for emotional regulation go out of whack; I switch, go into a crisis-control mode, can't hold back, go ranting, sometimes I have a hard time remembering, and other times I have no memory. DID and BD are connected because during low periods, a submissive alter named Luna always 

Have hesitation and go total radio silence, but more frequently during high periods, Lola is the Dominant, and the other, who is the Doctor always so curious wanting to talk it out to get people's perspective so one of them can analyze it appropriately tell whichever alter in me that was affected by that particular experience to make the changes, if necessary. I have little control over who comes out or controls my body. The Baby makes conscious decisions about what's best for my safety and even the safety of my mind. Oddly, I would come to my self-realization every time I sent text messages asking my friends about something. I almost always have my owner ask the question I ask them. But being able to go back to rereading my text messages gets me out of the pattern of reacting to mood swings and preventing them. My psychologist said sharing my experiences is a great way to break the stigma of mental health conditions. Still, it is essential to remember that some people may become overwhelmed. But for many people, the urge to overshare at the wrong time and place leads to a bad experience, rejection, and isolation. I am aware of this. I haven't encountered anything negative when I overshare, but I must learn to stop it. If I could -- I would.

The intention is for you to understand more about what I have and the reality of it. I was sick for a long time. I lost my mind, and I have been living in darkness. Today, I can now think clearly as medications have managed the symptoms of my illnesses. I have been through intense high times for the last six years. Every night, I reflect on the experiences that have shaped me. I am still healing slowly and know I did not do this alone. Much of who I am today can be attributed to God. I've had several extraordinary experiences with Jesus. Still, the turning point where He intervened and revealed himself to me in my bedroom and at other times was at Giver of Life church. I didn't know back then, but I know now that my healing journey continued from there. But since I have been diagnosed with mental illness, I felt torn believing the disease caused the experiences I had. Being stable now, I think there is more to it. I accept the diagnosis, but the diagnosis and my belief in God go hand in hand. There is more to these experiences than putting them down to mental illness. I'm still trying to figure out the deep spiritual meanings of my experiences. It is not so much about whether it is accurate or imaginary. Even though there may be a mental health aspect to these experiences, the meaning an individual connects with that experience is most important. I believe in medicine and doctors, but now I strongly believe in divine healing.

I am mentally stronger because my mental clarity and focus have improved. I see lights that I can't explain. I see bright white lights when my eyes are opened in the middle of the day and when I close my eyes at night. It can linger and seem to appear out of nowhere. Usually, whenever this happens, I would have a flashback memory of a memorable experience that I believe was spiritual as if it had just happened yesterday. Anyway, I asked my Doctor if this was psychosis, and she said no. Like I remember the times I saw the light at Giver of Life, and I was terrified remembering that time I was so sick from my mental illnesses. I had three supernatural experiences I don't fully understand because I vaguely remember what happened. I had amnesia. Short-term memory loss that I forget things I heard, saw, or did during those times. All I remember was waking up and lying on the floor in tears. I stopped going to church because I kept getting triggered. When my memories slowly returned in bits and pieces, I interpreted them wrong when I tried to make sense of them alone. I was so consumed with my emotions that I reacted negatively and was oppressed by the darkness. I won't let go. I had tunnel vision and couldn't see anything beyond the unsettling misinterpretations that came from the madness of my mind. I was so angry because I had so much fear. For the longest time, I thought I was traumatized.

I keep seeing lights, and I feel so conflicted whenever I see bright lights out of nowhere that come and go, always leaving me very emotional. I recalled a night even when I closed my eyes and saw what I can only describe as the brightest, most brilliant white light I have ever experienced. I lay in bed as the light hovered above me. I felt my anxiety rising like a fever, my heart thumping loudly. The Baby was frightened and didn't know what to do, and Luna only. She wanted to bolt out of there and go somewhere nobody could find her. Lola looked up at the cross on the wall in the bedroom and immediately felt an overwhelming sense of love and peace. Lola was in total awe of this feeling, and I shed tears when I realized God was speaking to us for the first time."I wasn't dreaming or hallucinating, and I was not psychotic, but I was so scared that as my heart pounded, I stopped breathing, hoping the light would stop or go away. As I continued to look into the light, to try and see what it was or where it was coming from, the image of a face so bright appeared. I didn't understand. I could not understand what was happening to me. Still terrified, I looked into the light. It was Jesus looking into me as the light of His image floated and drifted. When I realized it, Dao was overwhelmed with so many catastrophic emotions. She couldn't comprehend it. Dao realized she had much-hidden self-hatred within herself. She thought nobody liked her because of her weirdness, which made her dislike herself. However, God told her there was nothing to fear at that moment because he would always love us."

"I couldn't sleep. When I got out of bed the next morning, and there was normal daylight, and it was just a regular day, I put the experience aside. I knew it happened; I did not imagine it, but I could not fit it into logical reasoning. The Doctor needs evidence before we form opinions and often dismiss events that can't be logically explained." Another time, I experienced lights radiating around me. I know I was seeing Jesus. The light was white and pure. It was the ultimate reality. Coming from the light was complete, perfect peace, love, forgiveness, and beauty. The love I felt, and everything else existing in this light was unselfish and pure. I knew it could only come from Jesus. The light was love because Jesus truly is love.

Then I saw inside my chest. My chest looked like a pitch-black room with the lights turned out. I could see the outline of my heart and how my heart was sitting in darkness. Yet, there was a beam of pure, white light bursting outward from a small piece of my heart like a ray of sunshine coming through a storm cloud. The light was filled with peace, love, and goodness. I knew Jesus was telling me that my heart was in darkness and that if I only let a small piece of Him shine through, there could be unimaginable peace. He broke me down and gave me a new breath of life.

I told myself to stop questioning when I saw God's light. I knew how wrong I had been. I know how much I had misunderstood Him. I know nothing wrong could come from God and that He does everything for good with pure, everlasting love. The light of God is always there with me every step of the way, and whenever I see the morning, it continues to change every moment of my life. He gave me the gift of clarity and allowed me to let myself heal mentally from every trial he had put me through so I could completely believe in Him. I have been waking up early, and it feels abnormally weird because it was not hard for me to wake up and not feel horrible. I started my day without it, which was not very easy. In the morning, I could not stay in bed, so I had to get up, but the way I got up was confusing. I do not have millions of questions and chattering in my head, and there is no battle within myself to overcome. I just woke up, got up, and it was so easy. Everything I did on this day seemed so easy, and now I am freaking out because it is late, I haven't slept, and I'm very aware I never functioned like this before. I am usually full of energy, animation, and ideas — this is my usual high-energy baseline self, but I didn't feel like me. My pressured speech and racing thoughts are lessening now that I am not experiencing mania. 

My thinking is different. It used to be disorganized and harder to follow or make sense of. But the strange thing is, I need help understanding or making sense of my changes. There is a visible and sustained difference in my mood, which is often excited or euphoric, mixed with raging and anger, while at the same time feeling extreme guilt and overanxious that now I no longer feel. I am not consumed with all those emotions. My thoughts, bodies, and moods move and change gears quickly — but this time, not at the same level or with the same damaging patterns as a manic episode. To be balanced, I feel so weird. Is this what everyday mood feels like? Could the new injectable medication Zyprexa, a shot given to me by my psychiatrist, be the reason for these changes? I am dwelling and trying to process what is happening to me. The silence in my mind is too much for me. That is so weird, and I'm not used to it. I no longer hear crying at night and not hearing voices in my head, so I stopped internalizing everything to the extreme for no reason. I feel so lonely and sad, and that seems like something is missing. I am not crazy. Weird is not crazy. Strange is something that cannot be explained. This is weird. One day I went to yoga for the first time. It was tiring. I felt tired and needed to take a break. A couple of times, I stopped and laid on my back. What was odd? I do not hate myself for it. Usually, I hear voices telling me what a failure I am. I felt no adrenaline rushing through me. The high energy was not there. I heard myself breathing all through doing yoga. I lay still on the mat listening to myself breathing after yoga and wondering why I felt weird and strange. Then it got even more bizarre. I feel lonely, not hearing any more voices—no drama in my head. I cannot even fight with myself anymore. I'm questioning my experience because everything felt easy, and there was no rushing. Still, I can't help asking what is happening to me. Is this for real?

I'm trying to walk myself through this and process it — the battle with my mind! I should stop questioning myself, but wouldn't you feel weird when you are always the same being bipolar and then, like overnight, everything changes very drastically that you are not sick with bipolar? However, you still live with bipolar disorder. I remember when I was in an episode. I became someone else. Listen to this perspective from my alter, the Doctor. Every day was hard for me to get through, but suddenly, one day, everything seemed so easy. I become a different someone else. Maybe I am not bipolar at the moment, but I am all too aware that something might be wrong. Obsessions swoop into my brain, and I cannot let them go. Compulsions make me do odd things, like questioning myself and overanalyzing nonstop. I am at war with my brain. My brain has tried to kill me many times in the past, but now my brain tells me life is not so hard. It is easy. How long will this new feeling last? Is my brain tricking me again? Should I trust my brain? All I know is that life is still a continuous current of babble and self-deprecations as I swung from mania to depression and back again. I find myself suddenly somewhat level, still moving through life. I will either change or become a distressed person. I choose the first, not choose the latter option. I can only continue to pray for more healing, but everything is still a battle for me because I'm so used to being this way. This is my character but also the bipolar response to this overwhelming life-changing event — my transformation. Even on good days, I can get very extreme about it.